Aliens Using Dryers to Collect Human DNA

NEW YORK (The Incorrect Broadcast) - The mystery as to why socks go missing in the dyer has finally been solved. The answer… Aliens.

NASA, in conjunction with the European Space Agency, Russia, and China, have been working together for 10 years trying to decode what was first thought of as harmless space static created by human made satellites. It wasn’t until recently that the joint study discovered the space static was actually dematerialized matter streams. These faint signatures, which spread out from Earth, are in fact sending human DNA, via our dryers, to the far reaches of the universe.

The technology is straight out of Star Trek. The dryer’s heat coupled with alien technology breaks down our socks and transports them molecule-by-molecule out into space.

As to why aliens are now using dryers the researchers point to our own technological advances. The report states; “With the advancement of technology, the cost of operating comes down making old practices tremendously inefficient. For example, sending a spaceship with a crew over thousands of light years to harvest human DNA through anal probing is a complicated, expensive, and time-consuming endeavour. Now their technology has advanced to where they can just transmit our DNA directly to their labs.”

The study backs up its findings by pointing out that over the past 20 years the number of alien abduction claims has dropped while incidents of dryer related sock disappearances has increased.

NASA’s findings have caused uproar among academics and sceptics as well as the President, who immediately took to twitter upon the report’s release.

Further tweeting…

Despite President Trump’s tweets and claims, NASA unfortunately doesn’t have an answer on how to stop this from happening. As one NASA spokesperson put it, “I’d rather have the metaphorical pain in the butt of a missing sock than a literal probing one.”