Alt-Right Leaders Demand Alt-left Buttons Be Removed From Keyboards

WASHINGTON (The Incorrect Broadcast) - As the profile of the controversial conservative Alt-Right movement continues to grab national and international headlines, its leaders are becoming increasingly more vocal about being heard and respected. But their latest demand has left the tech industry, and rational people, scratching their heads. Many of the movement’s most prominent writers and online contributors are banding together and pushing that all alt-left buttons be removed from keyboards because it poses a legitimate threat to their freedom of speech.

Brian Johnston, a popular Alt-Right blogger shared his recent harrowing brush with the alt-left button, “I had just finished a great piece on hate and white privilege and I accidentally hit the alt-left button. The next thing you know I’m suddenly worried immigration laws are too strict and we need to do more for displaced refugees.”

A still clearly shaken, Johnston continued, “Feeling like that was scary. I mean no one should have to live in fear. Thankfully I came to my senses before I could delete it and I was still able to post it.”

The increase of Alt-Right members accidentally coming into contact with the alt-left button with similar scarring results is on the rise, which poses as a substantial threat to the movement’s anti-tolerant point of view.

“Look I’m not a racist.” Added Johnston, “My keyboard’s black, I’m just asking for a more racially homogenous white tolerant computer that’s more reflective of my views. I mean it’s 2017! I can post a piece on Latin America’s war on the American dream but I can’t have keyboard that isn’t stained with the Left’s socialist agenda?”

As to why he and other Alt-Right members can’t remove the offensive button themselves, Brian responded, “You can’t remove a weed by plucking the top off.”

When asked about whether the computer industry could accommodate such a request, the overwhelming response from industry spokespeople was that’s not the alt-left button… That’s their conscious, which many tech experts and humans as whole agree should never be control/alt/deleted.